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Title : The 27 Constitutional Amendments for Dummies and Also Presidents With Very High IQs
link : The 27 Constitutional Amendments for Dummies and Also Presidents With Very High IQs
The 27 Constitutional Amendments for Dummies and Also Presidents With Very High IQs
1st Amendment: This one’s a biggie. The United States is a secular government and can’t force you to listen to Joel Osteen or pray to Allah. The government can’t stop you from saying and writing "dipshit motherfucking cocksucker asshole son of a cheddar dick," and most other things, with some limits. Those limits do not include “criticizing Donald Trump on TV.” The government also can’t stop you from “peaceably assembling,” i.e., marching around while needing to pee in a pink pussy hat or with Tiki torches in khakis and swastikas. The government can’t make you sing songs or salute flags at a football game or anywhere else. The government has to let you pray 24/7 if that’s your jam, but if you try to use your religion to shit all over other people’s human rights, maybe not so much.2nd Amendment: The government can’t take away your musket because you might need it for a future revolt. Believe it or not, you probably can’t have a nuclear warhead in your basement, though. Some weapons in between are okay, but probably not every single one of them, m’kay?
3rd Amendment: The government can’t make you AirBnB your condo for free to the National Guard. Realistically this is never going to happen so you probably don’t need to worry about this amendment.
4th Amendment: This one gets heavy rotation. The government can’t generally fuck with you or your shit without a warrant signed by a judge explaining exactly the who, what, where, when, and how of exactly what shit gets fucked with. Cops can still fuck with you on the street or the road, within limits. The “within limits” is a crucial point to know, especially if you’re driving or walking down the street while Black. If the government screws up and takes your shit illegally, it can’t use it against you later because it got that shit in a fucked up way. This is called “fruit of the poisonous tree.” Courts don’t eat that fruit--they make the government compost it. Data-collection and drones are still a bit of a black hole in search-and-seizure land, but the courts are working on it.
5th Amendment: The government can’t raze your house to build a highway unless it pays you fair market value for it. If you get charged with a federal felony (e.g. RICO), a grand jury has to indict you. If the government prosecutes you for a crime and loses, it can’t prosecute you again. That’s called double jeopardy. This is the amendment you hear about on TV when they some dude says, "I plead the 5th!” which means you don’t have to narc yourself out. Also the government can’t murder you, imprison you, or take away your shit without jumping through a zillion hoops.
6th Amendment: Criminal trials need to be prompt, orderly and legit. Like if you’re on trial for a crime you get to have a jury and face your accuser and ask them questions and get a public defender. So trials need to roll like that. Not like some sort of Kangaroo Court, North Korean, Banana Republic cluster-fuck of human rights abuses, m’kay?
7th Amendment: If you spill hot coffee on your lap and sue McDonalds for more than $20.00 in federal court, you get a jury. Believe it or not this is a good thing. Watch “Hot Coffee” on Netflix and you’ll see why.
8th Amendment: This is that whole “cruel and unusual punishment” thing. The government can’t put you on the rack or hang you in the public square anymore. Also not allowed: thumbscrews, gibbets, the gallows, etc. Killing peeps by electrocution and lethal injection is still okay for now though. Also a judge can’t set bail at a zillion dollars or fine you zillions of dollars.
9th Amendment: Just because some rights aren’t spelled out in the Constitution doesn’t mean you don’t have them. We can’t think of everything, for fuck's sake.
10th Amendment: States’ Rights, yall! The federal government has limited powers, and States and people get to call the feds out on their shit when they exceed those powers.
11th Amendment: Sovereign immunity, y’all! You can’t sue a State in federal court unless the State says it’s cool.
12th Amendment: The Electoral College elects POTUS and Veep. If you were alive in 2016 you can probably tell this isn’t the greatest thing ever.
13th Amendment: No more slavery.
14th Amendment: This one’s a doozy and goes on forever. Here's what you need to know: if you’re born in the U.S. you’re automatically a U.S. citizen. Also most of the federal constitution applies to state governments: they can give you more rights than the federal constitution but not fewer. Redistricting happens, and you can’t serve in Congress or as POTUS or Veep if you’ve ever committed treason (oops!). The whole “equal protection thing” lives here too. So the government can’t fuck with someone for their race, religion, gender, immigration status, wedlock status at birth, and possibly (though by no means definitely) sexual orientation and/or gender identity.
15th Amendment: Everyone gets to vote, including Black people and ex-slaves. Not women though! That comes later.
16th Amendment: Federal income tax is cool. Bring on the IRS and the 1040/W2!
17th Amendment: Once upon a time, state legislatures got to elect Senators but now you get to do that! The Senate consists of two senators from each state, elected by the citizens of that state. Their term limit is six years and each Senator gets one vote in Congress. If a Senator dies or leaves office before their term is up, the Governor of their state can appoint a replacement to fill the vacancy.
18th Amendment: No booze. Sorry, wastoids!
19th Amendment: Women can vote now.
20th Amendment: This is a boring amendment about when terms for elected federal officials start and end. No one really cares about this amendment so you probably shouldn't either.
21st Amendment: Booze is back, bitchez! Bottoms up!
22nd Amendment: POTUS only gets a max of two four-year terms, thank God.
23rd Amendment: If you live in Washington, DC, you can vote for POTUS and Veep but you’re hosed in Congress.
24th Amendment: No poll taxes.
25th Amendment: This one is obscure but getting brandished a lot lately. It deals with the order of succession for POTUS and Veep and says Congress can impeach the shit out of a lunatic POTUS.
26th Amendment: Anyone over 18 can vote now (used to be 21).
27th Amendment: Serving in Congress isn’t supposed to make you rich. Emphasis on “supposed to.”
Thus Article The 27 Constitutional Amendments for Dummies and Also Presidents With Very High IQs
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