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Title : Don Young Almost Stabbed His Colleague in the Face and Ho Hum Whatevs NBD!
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Don Young Almost Stabbed His Colleague in the Face and Ho Hum Whatevs NBD!

Only in Alaska would it be a buried, ho-hum, workaday story that Don Young (R-AK), our state’s lone congressman for going on half a century, once “pinned [former House Speaker John] Boehner [(R-OH)] against a wall in the House of Representatives and held a 10-inch knife to his throat during a disagreement over earmarks.”

Because obvs, this is totes normal conduct from a sane adult in modern times, and also an elected official.

At 84, Don Young is Alaska’s State Fossil. He's rubber-stamped into office every two years like we’re all just handing the carkeys to grandpa or renewing a library book on the Jurassic period. So I suppose it stands to reason that salty Old Man Young would resort to legislative tactics befitting Aaron Burr or Alexander Hamilton.

According to Erica Martinson’s above-linked report in the ADN, this tall tale of swashbuckling legislative misadventure first emerged via an interview in Politico Magazine with John Boehner, a.k.a. the guy whose name is definitely not pronounced like slang for an erection and who recently ceded the title of Orangest Man in Washington to Donald Trump.

Natch, Don Young is sorry-not-sorry, because he is the embodiment of Wild West Masculinity and Bravado. Here’s what he had to say for himself:

That's mostly a true story, but it's also one of those tall tales from the House floor. This was some of the friendly back-and-forth banter John and I had over a few decades, but it was never anything serious. Had it been, I'm sure you would've heard about it long before now . . . . John actually loves this story, I've heard him tell it multiple times — once at my wedding in 2015 as my best man. Each and every time, that knife gets a little bigger and gets a little bit closer . . . . One thing is true, the story always ends with an 'F' you.’”

The ADN article adds a qualifier: “Young’s statement suggests that he did, in some way, brandish a knife at Boehner, but perhaps did not hold it to his throat, and it was perhaps not such a long blade.”

Hahahahahaha! Oh man! What a relief! Or actually, not, since this story is LIT AF with the blade being 10 inches rather than six or seven, and the target Boehner’s eyeball or sternum as opposed to his jugular.

After all, these are two tough, rugged back-slappin' fellers from Real ‘Murica, duking it out for their constituents the good old fashioned, red-blooded American Way: where almost stabbing your colleague in the throat in broad daylight as you curse him out in the hallowed halls of Congress isn’t a felony, as it would ordinarily be for most common plebes, but rather just some “friendly back-and-forth banter.”

Totes norms! NBD! Ho-hum! Whatevs!!! It’s just a prank! But as any Alaskan knows, this is just vintage Stegosaurus Don, whose juvenile, raging, get-off-my-lawn antics have gotten a pass for, I don’t know, FOREVER?

Like that time he was forced to apologize for infantilizing a 51 year-old congresswoman from Washington by calling her “young lady” and insisting that she didn’t know “a damn thing what she’s talking about” during a debate about predator control regulations.

Or that time he called Hispanic migrant workers wetbacks because that’s what he used to call ‘em on his daddy’s ranch in Central Caifornia, where he grew up in the bad old good old days when men were men and Mexicans were wetbacks. Or that time he “exploded” at Forrest Dunbar—a 30 year-old who had the temerity to challenge his royal reign in Congress—and bragged that “the last guy who touched me ended up on the ground dead.”

Or that time he was recorded on video grabbing a staffer’s arm and causing pain. Not to mention that time he was reprimanded by the House Ethics Committee for accepting improper gifts, improper personal use of campaign funds, acceptance of improper gifts, and failure to report certain gifts. And also that time on an Alaska Airlines flight, when with three Crown Royals on board, he proceeded to brag to a friend of mine through her noise-canceling headphones for two hours straight that he was A UNITED STATES CONGRESSMAN!

You see, all of this is completely normal, acceptable, and unremarkable.

Don Young gets a free pass at the social compact because he was a GOLD MINER and a FISHERMAN and a TRAPPER with 500 dead animal carcasses on his office wall that he PERSONALLY WRESTLED TO DEATH WITH HIS BARE HANDS AND A RIFLE and in the ARMY and the CAPTAIN OF A TUGBOAT and just generally an all-around rugged BADASS ‘MURICAN! We must all bow down and genuflect before THIS AMERICAN RUGGED CLINT EASTWOOD IN DIRTY HARRY TOUGH GUY and just forget that he is a COMPLETE AND TOTAL FUCKING ASSHOLE TO EVERYONE ALL THE TIME AND GETS AWAY WITH IT.

Amirite people? Yes, I am.

Let’s just forget about the fact that literally no one else on the planet—certainly no woman, no person of color, no immigrant—would ever in TEN ZILLION YEARS get ONE IOTA slack for even a QUARTER of the outrageous conduct Don Young has engaged in over his long career.

Nope.

There’s always an excuse for this guy, and guys like him. Oh he’s old. Oh he’s from a different time. Oh but the earmarks. Oh he’s just gruff. Oh that’s just crazy Don. Oh hahaha, he almost stabbed someone in the throat in Congress and nothing happened what a great story hahahahahahaha. There’s more excuses and passes and dismissive giggles for vulgar old white male assholes than there are words in the English language to describe how truly vulgar they are.

Nothing--but NOTHING--in America is given more protection, leniency, goodwill, and benefit of the doubt than the lives, careers, and reputations of the Don Youngs of the world. And frankly, that makes me want to stab myself in the throat. 

But before I do that, let me do as Young and Boehner would: “end this story with a fuck you.”

Thus Article Don Young Almost Stabbed His Colleague in the Face and Ho Hum Whatevs NBD!

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