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Title : I Am the Sun! The Ultimate Authority On Hot Takes!
link : I Am the Sun! The Ultimate Authority On Hot Takes!
I Am the Sun! The Ultimate Authority On Hot Takes!
(1) A piece of commentary, typically produced quickly in response to a recent event, whose primary purpose is to attract attention; (2) A piece of deliberatively provocative commentary that is based almost entirely on shallow moralizing in response to a news story, usually written on tight deadlines with little research or reporting, and even less thought.
With hot takes quickly overtaking whataboutism, propagandist psychological warfare, weaponized information, and outright hypocrisy as the primary mode of communication in the Age of Trump, I would like to remind everyone on planet earth that I am THE SUN and therefore the final and ultimate authority on hot takes.
With the help of Wikipedia, which is where I always go to read about myself (don’t forget to donate to their fundraising campaign!), let me explain why:
I am “by far the most important source of energy for life on Earth,” and I am YOOGE: 1.39 million kilometers to be exact, i.e. 109 times bigger than earth, with a mass 330,000 times that of earth, accounting for 99.86% of the total mass of the solar system.
In fact, except for Jupiter and Saturn, the rest of the solar system accounts for only .002% of the solar system’s total mass, which means earth’s total mass is even smaller than that, which means each hot take written by any given person on the internet is, like, .000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% of the total mass of the solar system, or less.
In other words: Your. Hot. Take. Is. Vaporized. Cosmic. Dust. Smaller. Than. An. Atom.
Don’t let my status as a “yellow dwarf” fool you, either. This isn’t my first rodeo. I’m 4.6 billion years old, for fuck's sake, and I’ve seen some shit.
I came up from nothing. I formed from “the gravitational collapse of matter within a region of a large molecular cloud.” My “central mass became so hot and dense that it eventually initiated nuclear fusion in its core.” And although I’m “roughly middle aged,” I have “not changed dramatically for more than four billion years and will remain fairly stable for more than another five billion years.”
All of which is to say, I’ve been around for a loooong time, compadres, and I’m not going away anytime soon. No matter what Mercury said about me grabbing her ass that one time.
Indeed, my “enormous effect” on earth has “been recognized since prehistoric times” and some cultures even recognize me as a GOD. A GOD! I’m even the basis for time itself! I am “by far the brightest object” in the sky, and have a strong magnetic field. A certain magnetism, if you will. Ask anyone. Neil DeGrasse Tyson, maybe. I’m so bright it hurts. Literally, looking at me directly can destroy your eyeballs.
But perhaps the biggest reason that I'm the last word on hot takes is my heat.
Indeed, my “enormous effect” on earth has “been recognized since prehistoric times” and some cultures even recognize me as a GOD. A GOD! I’m even the basis for time itself! I am “by far the brightest object” in the sky, and have a strong magnetic field. A certain magnetism, if you will. Ask anyone. Neil DeGrasse Tyson, maybe. I’m so bright it hurts. Literally, looking at me directly can destroy your eyeballs.
But perhaps the biggest reason that I'm the last word on hot takes is my heat.
Like do you even KNOW how hot I am? You need to have paid attention in trig and physics to even comprehend this. My core is 1.57 x 10 to the SEVENTH K. I don’t even know what a "K" is in this context, and neither do you unless you’re a scientist. But suffice it to say, IT IS VERY HOT.
Like I am hotter than everything from Jay Z dropping a surprise album to Donald Trump’s twitter take on Little Rocket Man. So every time you go to write a hot take, remember this:
You are not the sun, so your hot take is shit.
Like I am hotter than everything from Jay Z dropping a surprise album to Donald Trump’s twitter take on Little Rocket Man. So every time you go to write a hot take, remember this:
You are not the sun, so your hot take is shit.
Thus Article I Am the Sun! The Ultimate Authority On Hot Takes!
That's an article I Am the Sun! The Ultimate Authority On Hot Takes! This time, hopefully can give benefits to all of you. well, see you in posting other articles.
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