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Title : Alaska Airlines Announces New Seating Classes
link : Alaska Airlines Announces New Seating Classes
Alaska Airlines Announces New Seating Classes
Row 1-3 (Promethium class): Permanently reserved for elected officials and their entourages. Free warm nuts and complimentary WiFi available for anyone on the take with the Koch Bros.
Row 4 (Sulfur Class): In exchange for inhaling the stench of corruption and grift emanating from rows 1-3, you are gifted two hard-boiled eggs and a warm washcloth.
Row 9 (Lead Class): For 10,000 miles you can upgrade to Lead class for a free box of paint chips and some melatonin.
Row 10 (Uranium Class): Guaranteed early boarding and a metal vest to insulate you from radioactive in-flight farts.
Row 12 (Nitrogen Class): Oxygen masks deploy mid-flight with laughing gas. One additional free whippit per guest and a See’s Candy Bar.™️
Row 14 (Titanium Class): 5,000 miles and discount helmet rental in case Boeing fucked some shit up thanks to lax regulations and corporate greed.
Row 17 (Aluminum Class): Complimentary foil packets of McDonalds leftovers from other people’s seat back pockets on previous flight.
Row 20 (Lithium Class): Air travel hassles making you insane? In Lithium Class you get 20mg of Lithium dropped into a complimentary nonalcoholic beverage of your choice, like Alka Seltzer.
Row 25 (Boron Class): Alleviate the boredom of flying by upgrading to Boron Class! For an extra $50 you can receive one free checked bag and an orgasm courtesy of your vibrating seat cushion.
Row 29 (Carbon Class): Because this row is close to the tail of the plane and the seats don’t reckons, you can inhale fossil fuels while contemplating your role in climate change. Extra carry-on in exchange for your personal guilt and shame for contributing to the End Times.™️
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