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Title : These Goys Forgot Some Key Shit!
link : These Goys Forgot Some Key Shit!
These Goys Forgot Some Key Shit!
These goys. Not guys. Goys. As in Gentiles. I had to laugh to myself when this old 2011 article from WaPo Style popped up in my Twitter feed last week. "A Jewish wedding, for two non-Jews."
So I clicked the link to see exactly what "Jewish traditions" this couple incorporated into their wedding. I was disappointed (though not surprised) to learn it was just more of the same old same old: ceremony under the huppah (canopy); signing the ketubah (Jewish marriage contract); saying Kiddush (blessing over the wine); stomping on the glass, yadda yadda yadda.
So I clicked the link to see exactly what "Jewish traditions" this couple incorporated into their wedding. I was disappointed (though not surprised) to learn it was just more of the same old same old: ceremony under the huppah (canopy); signing the ketubah (Jewish marriage contract); saying Kiddush (blessing over the wine); stomping on the glass, yadda yadda yadda.
Traditions, trashmishions.
I wasn't offended by the arguable cultural appropriation aspect--frankly I'm always sort of flattered that anyone would voluntarily align themselves with one of the most universally reviled ethnic minorities on the planet.
I wasn't offended by the arguable cultural appropriation aspect--frankly I'm always sort of flattered that anyone would voluntarily align themselves with one of the most universally reviled ethnic minorities on the planet.
But I did find myself wishing this couple had consulted me first, because I would've told them what they needed to make their Jewish wedding truly authentic.
1. You need Uncle Sol (or similar) leaning over to his table mate and screaming over both their hearing aids in a thick New Jersey accent "CAN YOU BELIEVE THE PORTIONS THEY SERVE HERE!?"
2. You need the Mother-of-the-Bride wringing her hands because "it's so DRRRRROOOOYYYY IN HEEAH and didn't we ask them to turn up the air?!" Then five minutes later she says, "But UCHHHH THE HUMIDITY!?!?!?!?"
3. Then you need Cousin Seth, who tries to get you to invest in his latest get-rich-quick real estate Ponzi scheme (Way to perpetuate sterotypes . . . thanks a lot, Cousin Seth!)
4. You need a band (or DJ) playing "We are Family," "Sweet Caroline," and “Hava Nagilah” over and over. That Neil Diamond. What a mensch.
5. Then of course you have to dance the Horah which no one knows how to do, but every dude in the room who weighs more than 150 pounds takes off their suit jackets and lifts up their pit-stained arms to hoist the bride up onto a chair while she covers her face and shrieks as everyone else trips over their feet trying to dance in two circles going in opposite directions.
6. Speaking of dancing, you have Aunt Millie complaining about her bunions. (CAN YOU BELIEVE SOCIAL SECURITY DIDN'T EVEN COVAH THE SURGERY?!)
1. You need Uncle Sol (or similar) leaning over to his table mate and screaming over both their hearing aids in a thick New Jersey accent "CAN YOU BELIEVE THE PORTIONS THEY SERVE HERE!?"
2. You need the Mother-of-the-Bride wringing her hands because "it's so DRRRRROOOOYYYY IN HEEAH and didn't we ask them to turn up the air?!" Then five minutes later she says, "But UCHHHH THE HUMIDITY!?!?!?!?"
3. Then you need Cousin Seth, who tries to get you to invest in his latest get-rich-quick real estate Ponzi scheme (Way to perpetuate sterotypes . . . thanks a lot, Cousin Seth!)
4. You need a band (or DJ) playing "We are Family," "Sweet Caroline," and “Hava Nagilah” over and over. That Neil Diamond. What a mensch.
5. Then of course you have to dance the Horah which no one knows how to do, but every dude in the room who weighs more than 150 pounds takes off their suit jackets and lifts up their pit-stained arms to hoist the bride up onto a chair while she covers her face and shrieks as everyone else trips over their feet trying to dance in two circles going in opposite directions.
6. Speaking of dancing, you have Aunt Millie complaining about her bunions. (CAN YOU BELIEVE SOCIAL SECURITY DIDN'T EVEN COVAH THE SURGERY?!)
7. You need Cousin Jackie (the one who got a bad nose job in the 80s) to cluck her tongue disapprovingly over the “low-cut bridesmaids dresses” while whispering that she heard the groom had been married once before and also “his mothah has *extra whisper and widening eyes* CAAAAANNNNNCAH.”
8. Also one of the aforementioned bridesmaids needs to administer fellatio in the bathroom to a groomsman after seven vodka tonics at the open bar, because cash bar is TACKAY and it’s not a wedding without a rando BJ.
9. Finally, there must be several small children hoarding pigs n’ blankets (made with all-beef Kosher hot dogs obvs) and maraschino cherries.
10. You also need a whisper campaign/NCAA-type bracket going in which all the guests place bets on what the wedding cost and who paid for it.
Then and only then will you have an authentic Jewish wedding.
Thus Article These Goys Forgot Some Key Shit!
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